The courage to fail

It’s been quite an adventurous few weeks! I met with my neurosurgeon and he thinks we need to take out the tumor in my forearm. The tumor has grown a little bit and it’s showing us it will continue to grow. So we decided to get the surgery now when the tumor is still small. It’s a mix of emotions for me though; this will be my 7^th surgery. I am so sick of being cut open and drugged up because if this shit disease.  I honestly don’t understand how people electively get plastic surgery over and over again. It’s exhausting being under the knife. But I am so tired of this pain. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I am biting my pointer finger, like a fucking dog. The pain will be so bad that my asleep self will try and stop the pain before I wake up, by biting; that’s just weird. I’m at a point where I can’t stand it anymore; I’m tired of being in constant pain. So the thought of some relief for a bit of time, until the bastard grows back, sounds nice. I know the tumor will grow back but hopefully not for a while.

            This surgery is kind of a crapshoot, so many outcomes can happen. The doctor will hook electrodes to my head and stimulate the nerves to my hand. If the nerves are misfiring he can’t take it out. If they’re firing fine he can, but then we get into how wrapped up in nerves is the tumor? If its wrapped up he can’t take it out. If the nerves are too deep in the tumor he can only take out a portion. If he is able to take the entire tumor out, we don’t know how much of mobility or function I could lose. So a lot rides on when he opens me up. I have so many thoughts and emotions running through me. Am I making the right choice? Am I going to cause more issues to my already failing body? If I leave the tumor in, it could become so big that it causes more excruciating pain but can’t be touched because of how enlarged it would get, and all the nerves it would touch; thus removing would cause more damage. What will I do if I end up having mobility issues? Just a scary rabbit hole I get into, the what-ifs. So I’m trying to listen to my body and right now its screaming. So I think the little bastard needs to be evicted. 

My surgery date is in April, so I have time to digest this. My doctor is booked and this isn’t a type of surgery he wants to squeeze into his schedule. He wants to dedicate the time it needs. He said if the pain gets worse before April he’ll move things around but just to let him know. I appreciate his honesty and dedication to all his patients. But fuck man, it’s hard to see the finish line, and it feels so far away. Just the thought of some relief is quite exciting at moments, especially the nights I wake up crying, and so frustrated from the lack of sleep due to the pain. So my challenge is to be present, and not think too far in the future. I’m trying to not take my frustration out on my loved ones. I know this disease not only affects me but impacts Chris too. He’s not getting good sleep either, thanks to me getting up and down, crying, and at some points throwing a tantrum. It’s funny, because I understand now why toddlers get so cranky and frustrated when they’re tired. I feel like a sleep deprived child….poor Chris has to deal with my crazy ass. But hopefully this surgery will help alleviate some of these issues, at least for a time being.

To add to the excitement, I wrote a children’s book after my dad died in 2015, and I was having the hardest time getting the courage to send it out to publishers and literary agents. I started to ask myself why am I so scared to send it off, and realized I am afraid of failure, as everyone else is. But I can’t let that fear hold me back; I already have a shitty disease that holds me back from many things. I can’t be the one to stand in my way, don’t need help in that department. So I told myself have the courage to fail; and that’s exactly what I did. I sent off my book submission letter to many publishers and literary agents at the beginning of this year. Some stated it could take up to 6 months to hear back but I got a response back from an agent 2 weeks ago; she very politely declined my submission. I was so ecstatic to receive that letter though. I couldn’t wait to tell someone I got a rejection letter. I know that sounds crazy but to me that rejection letter showed I tried and allowed myself to fail. I didn’t stand in my own way of trying to accomplish something. It sucks she didn’t want to take me on but I am still grateful for that letter. I often hear that people regret they didn’t do so many things, or they wished they had the courage to do so. You do have the courage; you just have to allow yourself to fail and to be ok with it. Don’t let it get you down, let that rejection fuel your desire and fan the flames of passion and determination. I think, well at least for me, the fear of failing and being rejected cripples one’s dreams. If you look at Walt Disney, Dr. Seuss, Tim Burton, even J.K. Rowling, all were rejected and some were even told they would never succeed. If they had listened, or didn’t allow themselves those failures, we would never have the magical creations we have today. So don’t let others tell you no, or dictate your life’s dreams and goals. You are the captain of your ship and you can choose which ports to dock at. Please have the courage to allow yourself to fail and grow from it. Take that failure as a turning point in your life, don’t let it derail you. If I had let all the failures I’ve had in my life derail me, I probably wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today. Those moments, good and bad, make us who we are. We’ve got to learn to grow from them; verses letting those failures set us back, or give up on ourselves and dreams.

I also got an offer letter from a publishing company last week. Its basically a self-publishing company but makes it look like your book wasn’t self-published. I was super ecstatic for getting this offer letter! Come to find out, these types of publishing companies hit up a lot of new time authors. I’m just gonna pretend that’s not true; let me keep the dream I was offered being published dammit!! But I’m not discouraged or anything, just bummed it wasn’t an actual publisher…. C’est la vie. So now I’m just sending my book out there to more agents and publishers, wish me luck!

Remember to allow yourself to fail, it will be ok if you do.