The Silent Darkness
Lately I haven’t been
sleeping; I’m getting about 4 to 5 hours, at most, of sleep and it’s broken up into
2-hour increments. The lack of sleep, on top of the pain, has been very hard. The
experimental pain medication, oxcarbazepine, I’m taking isn’t working. So I saw my pain doctor
on Monday, he’s now referring me to the neuropathy clinic; wish he had done
this sooner but I'm glad we’re trying other avenues to help ease my pain. I
have a disease that there is no cure for, so my option is to try and find
some reprieve from the pain. I was also on lidocaine infusions, which were
helping but then I had a skin reaction, and now my pain doctor is very hesitant
to start me back on the infusions. So hopefully at the neuropathy clinic we can figure out some
other potential infusions/procedures, or meds. We’re in uncharted waters and
doing experimental options. Chris was very frustrated that it took the pain
doctor a year to refer me to the neuropathy clinic. I understand his frustration
but I also appreciate the pain doctor not pawning me off onto another doctor, that’s
what happened to me when we were in Dallas. I can respect he wanted to give me
a year to try and help me. Now that we’re running out of options, he’s sending
me down another avenue that may be able to help.
I’m grateful to be getting off of oxcarbazepine (the experimental medication). It wasn’t working and
was causing me to have increased suicidal thoughts. Now I know this may be
weird but I allow myself, every now and then, to have the thought that I want
to die; I don’t shame myself for feeling that way. The constant pain, and the
lack of sleep are exhausting, and I can only stay strong and positive for so
long. I’m human and allowed my weak moments but these thoughts were starting to
become constant. Chris and I got into one of our silly squabbles the other day, like every couple does, and I twisted the fight into fueling my horrible thoughts of how he’d be better
off without me. I went into our closet, crumbled to the floor, sobbing, and
honestly thought, “I want to die and wish we had a gun. I don't want to feel this shit anymore.” In that
brief moment, I was so scared of my own thoughts; I know what it's like to have your own mind betray you and become your worst enemy. Chris was home and I didn’t want
to burden him more with this heavy shit; I just thought about killing myself,
how do you tell the one you love that, especially when your fucked up mind is
already telling you that you’re a burden? I didn’t want to listen to that dark side of my mind, so I called my
old therapist from Dallas. She is an amazing person, and I am so grateful for
all her help over these years. She picked up the phone and was instantly a
light in the dark tunnel I was in. She helped me realize many things but one of
them is, I am not a burden and I need to train my mind to stop thinking of
myself as a burden. One’s mind can only take so much onslaught of negativity
before it snaps. So now if I have a weak moment, I redirect my thoughts to a
positive one. I tell my negative side to shut the fuck up and that I bring more
joy into my loved ones’ lives than bad moments. I also know Chris loves the
shit out of me but in those debacles I feel guilty for this being his life. I
know we’re both so frustrated and want to fix this, but there’s no fixing, just
adapting.
I hate having these suicidal
thoughts, they’re not who I am. I’ve lost friends to suicide, so I’ve
seen that side of depression’s ugly face as well; I honestly hate depression.
It can ruin peoples’ lives and tear families apart. I've been dealing with depression most of my life and what has helped me was completely changing my lifestyle. I made a lot of dramatic changes, I started
to eat healthy, do yoga on a daily basis, practice meditation, take CBD (if you
don’t know what CBD is I highly recommend looking it up, it’s a wonderful
medication), I found different activities and passions I never knew I liked; I
wanted, and quite frankly needed, to feel something other than the utter
emptiness I was feeling. I also started a daily routine of listing things I am
grateful for. I first would write this list down but now I sit out on my porch,
watching the birds in the morning with my cup of tea or coffee, and thank god
for everything I am grateful for. It’s amazing how such a simple practice can
change the way one perceives life.
When my depression was really bad, I went to many therapy
sessions and did guided hypnotherapy. There’s a great website where you can
download different self guided meditation tracks; the subjects range from PTSD
to addiction, and much more. You can download these tracks to your computer, then to
your iPod or phone. I have a few for PTSD, pain and even sleep. I really like
the sleep one because it’s ok if you fall asleep during it, means it’s working!
The website is healthjourneys.com. Depression
affects everyone and does not discriminate who you are. It’s sad how taboo the
topic of depression is; people become very uncomfortable talking about it. But
if we don’t talk about it and have more awareness that it impacts EVERYONE, we
will continue to lose people to suicides. You may not have to personally deal
with depression yourself but I guarantee you know someone who does. I’ve dealt
with the levels of depression and it has ranged throughout
my years, some years were worse than others, but I fight through it using my tools I've learned to deal with it. I was a
dramatic child at times growing up, and didn’t understand the feelings I was
feeling. So I lashed out in different ways to expel the thoughts of death,
anger, and the empty hole I would feel inside. Now as an adult, I understand
how to work through those dark moments. But it took a lot of help from
therapists, life style change, and hypnotherapy to get where I am at today
I am honestly sick of losing
friends to depression. Breaks my heart they felt that there was no way out of
the dark depths of their pain and mind. I know what it feels like to be down
there. It’s scary and I understand why they felt the only relief would be
through death. If you’ve never dealt with depression it’s hard to understand
why someone would be so selfish to take his or her own life. Did they not think
of their loved ones and how this would affect them? They may have but I bet
they also felt that their families would be better off without them; I know those
feelings all to well.... Shit I had those feelings not too long ago.
There was a time I was on
anti-depressants, and when I hit 17 I chose not to take them anymore; I wanted
to feel what life was like without them. It was fucking awful for a few years.
I was a mess but eventually I learned techniques that worked for me. Everyone
is different and processes things so differently than others. So for some,
anti-depressants work amazingly, just not for me and that’s ok. I think we need
to let people know it’s ok to find what works for you. There’s not a “cure all”
with a big pretty bow. I don’t know if there ever is an answer in life that is
nicely wrapped and ready to go. Would be nice wouldn’t it?
Don’t feel ashamed of having
those feelings, you’re not alone. But don’t let them run and ruin your life.
Please reach out to people whom you love and trust. They will not judge you and
if they do, fuck them. Find the help and support you need. You don’t deserve to
feel like the world would be a better place if you were not in it. I know it’s
hard and scary to reach out, but you can do it. I wish I had more comforting
words to help you get the courage to seek help. Only you can make the choice
that your life is worth more than suffering in silence. I can tell you that
life is worth living, and experiencing the adventures that it holds, and to see all
the beauty that surrounds us. There will always be ups and downs, that’s life; but I
feel there is so much more to life than the sorrow we feel. Yes, in those
moments it may seem like there is nothing else but that deep pain, I promise
you that is not the case. Please don’t lose hope, look at all the blessings you
do have. Reach out and grab those memories/people like a lifeline until you can
get the help you need. If you feel like you cannot turn to anyone in your life,
there is a crisis hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Please remember everyone is
dealing with their own demons and battling their own fights. Be kind to one
another and spread kindness instead of hate. Love will make this world a better
place.
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