Channeling My Spirit Animal, Ice Cube

        I'm so nervous! Chris and I are heading to Texas for a family reunion/wedding in a few weeks. Since just riding in a car causes shooting pain up my back, into my neck and left shoulder, I'm dreading having to not only get to the airport but getting to the gate, and then the airplane trip itself. God, I hate this disease. I use to LOVE traveling, I guess you could have called me a restless soul; now I am absolutely terrified. I feel like I am always having a slap of reality hit me when situations arise that I use to enjoy, now I fear doing. It sucks because then I have to go through what I call, "mourning my past self process." I allow myself to cry and grieve for the loss of who I use to be and the things I use to do, then I give myself a badass pep talk. I channel my inner Ice Cube; if you are not familiar with this gentleman, he's one of the all-time-best rappers of our age. He's also a badass! I would hate to be on the wrong side of Ice Cube....that look he gives! So I try to channel his badassery, and over come not only the physical pain I am constantly feeling but the emotional side of it too. I know that sounds silly but you have to find ways to get through chronic pain. For me its a wide range of stuff but when it gets real hard mentally, I channel Ice Cube because in those moments I need all the strength, courage, and badassery I can get. Chronic pain not only changes you physically but mentally as well. I've touched on this in other posts but I know I am a different person. My body is not the only thing that has completely changed. My mind is not what it use to be either, I can feel the difference and it's probably one of the most frustrating things. I have become something I never wanted to be, a home-bound person who has to constantly stay high or the pain will kill me. To be honest, I never thought this was an option but here we are.
        I've developed more pain; the back tumor has acted up more and the electric, shooting pain is creeping further around my body. Cannabis has been my main source of pain relief. I need a ratio of 1:1 CBD and THC, meaning I need equal amounts of CBD and THC together. I use an amazing product that is 1:1 CBD and THC, it's a carbonated cranberry drink; it's delicious! That drink cost $45 and lasts me, depending on the pain, anywhere from 2-4 days. Insurance does not cover cannabis, so as you can imagine, my medication is very expensive. Since the new pain kicked in, we were having to get more so Chris forced me to go to the hospital. I hate going to hospitals and won't go unless I am forced lol. Anyways, they did a bunch of tests and scans, and still couldn't find the cause. They did find a mass in my left breast, and a cyst on my ovary....whoopy-fuckin-doo! I was in the hospital for about a week and they couldn't find the cause of my new pain. So it's either the back tumor causing referred pain, or I am developing a new tumor that isn't big enough to be picked up on scans. I was hoping it was my appendix, sad when you wish for a different surgery; it would have been easier. I was released, and the solution as of now, is I am now on dilaudid; it's a narcotic to treat severe pain, it's a bit stronger than morphine. I hate being on narcotics so I am doing research on more natural options that I can add with the cannabis. I meet with my neurosurgeon in October to go over the removal of the back tumor. I was holding off as long as I could for that surgery, but I'm not sure how much longer I can withstand this type of pain. Wish me luck!
       Remember to be kind to one another, this world needs more love. I know I avoid people who are negative and bring others down around them. I don't need that type of negative energy in my life when I am battling to stay positive through my pain. You shouldn't have to put up with toxic people either. Sending you all positive vibes, and hoping you have a pain free day. If you find yourself struggling to get out of the darkness or standing up, channel your inner Ice Cube.