Hello Darkness My Old Friend

 Its 2 am and I can't sleep because I hurt like a mofo but I have a whirlwind of emotions swirling around in me. Chris and I are moving to Seattle. We've decided that it will be the best option for not only myself but all of us as a family. I'll be able to receive the proper medical care and we'll be in a state that actually fits our lifestyle and aspirations. Chris and I are very outdoorsy and love animals and nature. We're happier with that in our lives so Seattle is the best all around choice. Now after my surgeries I won't have to be locked up inside because I'm not allowed to overheat myself like here in Texas. Up there, its nice and cool and I'll be able to venture out and enjoy the outdoors. I am so excited to finally be leaving Texas but also getting the help I require for the rest of my life. Its hard coming to terms that I will be getting surgeries for the rest of my life. But that is my reality and I need to think realistically and what will help make me and my family happy. Because if we don't life could be so much harder. I'm also confronted with new emotions I've never really felt before. When I was younger, I enjoyed moving around to different cities and even one country. I loved change, I felt more content with different scenery than being stuck in one place for a long time. That's what it felt like to me, being in the same place for a while felt stagnant. I thrived, as an individual, always trying new things, living in new places and experiencing different situations. You could call me a gypsy or a nomad. But now, I'm terrified to move. I'm afraid to make this across country move, afraid to leave the life chris and I have made here for the past 6 years, afraid to start all over again, afraid of what type of life I'm asking chris to live by being with me. I want him to be happy because he deserves all the happiness. I try the best I can to be the best wife and friend that he deserves. I just don't want him to sacrifice his happiness for me. I'm also afraid that we're not making the right choice moving there. I guess it boils down to being afraid of failure. I don't want to move my family all the way to Seattle and the doctors don't help at all and we're not happier, it would be for nothing. But I know that I can't listen to those voices. If I start listening to the negative statements then I will live the rest of my life in fear. I must acknowledge those thoughts but not listen and heed them. I've always lived by the motto "Listen to your heart, it will never lead you astray." Now my younger self would argue with the latter part of that statement but all that I have been through because of that statement has made me who I am today. And I am proud of who I am and what I had to go through to be who I am, no matter how dark and down life got at times. So needless to say I'm working through very new and unusual emotions. I know a lot has to do with how much life has changed in almost 2 years. From my dad dying, to family conflicts, to friends dying, to my diagnosis of Schwannomatosis, to surviving brain cancer and surgeries. That's a lot of shit to go through in less than 2 years. So I totally get why I am afraid of more change, but this time it's good change. The type of change that is the beginning of an exciting new chapter in ones life. I just need to keep trusting in God and know that God will guide Chris and I where we need to be. I also have to keep believing that my loved ones that are no longer here are looking out for us too. That's the struggle of life, not letting the negative run or dictate your life and to believe in a higher purpose in you and for your life, no matter how heavy and messy it can get. "Not all those who wander are lost" I love that quote by Tolkien. It reminds me that it is ok to want change and experience whatever life has to offer, even if it doesn't fit in the pretty box others think you should live.